ABOUT MALANA

None of the relationships were healthy or enhanced my life in ways that made me a better person. I was always pouring myself into the other person. And I never really thought about it, either. Getting into relationships just kind of happened.

When I was 20, I met the guy I’d go on to marry. I’d just gotten out of one of the worst relationships I’d been in yet, and I’d turned heavily to drinking and I was super unhealthy. Not being able to feel myself in any capacity, and having transferred to a new college, I met someone who I started hooking up with right away. The relationship evolved very unconsciously, very unhealthy dynamic, one where I was pursuing someone who didn’t want me but… I just wanted him to want me.

The relationship just kind of… started. Anyway…

Three weeks shy of my 34th birthday, I was faced with a choice: him or me. I chose myself.

It was both the easiest and the hardest decision of my life. Easiest because I knew it was the right thing, I could feel it in my soul, and my faith told me everything would work out. The hardest because I didn’t know how it would work out yet and also because I’d have to heal.

If I knew how hard it would be, I still would have done it. But I would have done some things differently.

There was post-separation abuse, and we didn’t even have children or own a home. So he attacked me through other things I cared about: like my spiritual faith, my support network, and

I was college educated, I’d taught myself how to file my own taxes in my 20’s, had owned a car since I was 19, knew how to pay bills, knew how to make money online. I had every opportunity, every chance to get ahead, every skill at my fingertips.

And this still happened to me. “How did I get here?” is often what I’d think.

I’d blame myself. Wanting something to work out so bad had pushed me into controlling tendencies, impacted my mental health, I’d looked crazy. Towards the end, I was both as clear as I’d ever been yet as manipulated as I’d ever been. It was the most confusing time of my life.

I’d tried ending things with this person since we were dating. I could never go through with it. The push-pull was too strong. I wasn’t strong enough yet to overcome it.

What finally broke it was taking care of my health. Weed had been in my life since I met him, so I removed that. I stopped drinking. I started eating better. Started walking regularly. Started doing energy work.