The Most Sane Choice I Made All Year
The most sane choice I made all year was choosing MYSELF.
Earlier this year, I found myself living alone for the first time in my life, in a still new-to-me location, in a barely-furnished apartment, without a car or a stable income, a divorce on the horizon, a pile of grief to wade through, and an overwhelming number of decisions to make… all while experiencing bullying, harassment, and betrayal.
It was a lot, and I was wholly unprepared for it.
Prior to all of this, I’d spent a year making really GOOD decisions for myself– eating cleaner and detoxing my body, detaching from abusive and misaligned relationships, healing from chronic pain and a 10-year addiction to weed brought on by repressed childhood trauma… I’d even moved to a new state and had plans to start a new career. Life was on the up and up!
However, there was one final piece that needed to go, and that was my marriage.
I'd realized it was on thin ice a year prior to “the collapse” after my rose-colored glasses started to slip, and I began recognizing signs of narcissism:
The Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde behavior, the history of bullying and intimidation, the disinterest and lack of emotion I experienced from them unless they wanted something, the exhaustion I felt from their mood swings, how charming and "helpful" they appeared to others, yet how empty and lonely things felt behind closed doors… to name a few.
(I didn't yet know that my marriage closely mirrored the narcissistic parenting I grew up with, though I would learn this in time.)
BUT I chose to give things another chance. And for a little while, they did make palpable, positive change in their lives. I had high hopes.
Though it didn't last, and the hope I was hanging onto began to fray.
Not feeling ready to let go and accept reality, I once again found myself putting my needs last, making excuses, allowing myself to be gaslit and manipulated, and making poor decisions.
Still healing and still vulnerable from a year of major life changes, I put too much trust in someone to have my back when what I really needed to do was have my own.
Until finally, there were no moves left to make, and it was time to make THE choice:
Them? Or Me?
I chose myself.
The most sane choice I'd made all year.
– Malana
4/12/25
This post was originally published on my Instagram on August 6th, 2022 as I processed the narcissistic abuse I'd experienced in my marriage and post-separation. Beginning to share my story publicly would lead to speaking on my spiritual teacher Liana Shanti's podcast about my experience, with more writing and speaking to come from there. I eventually healed from the anger and betrayal I felt during that time and came to fully understand how trauma in childhood can lead to abusive relationships and disempowering choices in adulthood.
