There Was Nothing I Used to Love More Than Smoking Weed

There was nothing I used to love more than smoking weed.

I loved the excitement I’d feel before I brought lips to joint. Or to bowl. Or to bong. 

The feeling of that first inhale as I’d close my eyes, let my head drop back, shoulders fall, and wait for everything to come into “focus.”

I loved smoking weed, walking to a restaurant, and writing. 

I loved smoking weed and taking a bath.

I loved smoking weed and cooking.

I loved smoking weed and [insert literally anything].

Except… I didn’t REALLY love smoking weed. 

I didn’t REALLY love that within 20-30 minutes, those fuzzy "feel-good" sensations would be replaced with brain fog and numbness.

I didn't REALLY love the paranoid feeling that someone could call or show up while I was stoned– like my landlords or their little kids!

I didn't REALLY love sneaking off to my car, hot-boxing bathrooms, and worrying about the strong, skunky scent.

And I REALLY didn't love spending time searching sooo fucking hard to find successful people who used weed so I could have a "model." Like, "Oh, look! See!? She does! He does! So, I can, too!"

Even better if they were "spiritual." Because soul growth is important to me. So I'd search for needles in the haystack to justify my habit even though I KNEW deep down that something was off.

It was just too... too much WORK with way too little reward to be worth all the effort!

But... I clung. Out of fear.

Fear of what my life would be like without weed. My security blanket. The only thing that was there for me when it felt like no one and nothing else was. One of the only things that could help me feel... well, anything. For a few minutes, at least... but man, did I LIVE for those few minutes.

Until finally, I got so damn sick of my own bullshit. So sick of lying to myself. So sick of hiding. And pretending.

And feeling so... ADDICTED.

So... I eased up, and I CLEANED up. From my mind, to my body, to my soul.

And the fog lifted.

And finally, I could face the trauma and the abuse I'd been running from for decades.

And I survived.

WITHOUT the weed.

When one day, I realized... "I'm sober! I'm free!"

And now? I can honestly say that today, I love MYSELF more than weed.

I love MYSELF more than anything.

Which is all I ever needed all along.

– Malana

4/13/25
This piece was originally published on my Instagram on August 23rd, 2022. I’d go on to do a live reading to a group of women who were also on a healing path– I’d later learn from someone that it was the catalyst for her and her husband quitting weed for good!