I Used to Love Getting High for the Holidays

I used to love getting high for the holidays.

I would smoke or have an edible, usually before the meal started. And I would just love that feeling of… that slow melt into your chair, and you know, everything tastes good, and you’re, like, half-there.

The sounds are all around you, people are talking, but you’re so immersed in your food, you don’t care, and you’re just… high. You’re off into the stars!

You don’t have to deal with bullshit, you just have a smile on your face, everything’s good, everything’s chill, but… not really.

Because I learned after I gave up getting high that I was numbing, and I was doing that because I didn’t like the situations that I was in. I didn’t like the people that I was around. I didn’t feel connected. I didn’t feel connected to myself!

And that’s what getting high allowed me to do. It allowed me to check out from my body and not pay attention to the signs of why I was getting high in the first place.

And honestly, the sober meals are so much better. Now that I gave them a chance. Now that I understand. It’s so worth it.

—

I gave up getting high, I gave up alcohol– the things I “needed” to make it through the holidays.

To not feel what my body was telling me about the people I was surrounding myself with.

To not see the glaring red flags.

To drown out and block out the flashbacks of abuse I was having.

My mouth would say “I love you” to everyone, and truly, that’s what I thought I felt. And definitely what I WANTED to feel.

And for some, I did feel affection. But more often than not, my body was like “I don’t like this. I don’t like this person. Or that person. Something is wrong. Very, very wrong.”

And that’s why I’d need to smoke and drink.

This time of year, most women are doing what I used to do: NUMBING.

But trust me when I tell you that getting sober and healing makes your holidays x1000 better… even if they end up looking totally different.

Because they’re full of PEACE!

And nothing feels better than that.

– Malana

Do You Secretly Wonder if Weed is Holding You Back from Living Your Best Life? But Yet, Weed is the Thing That Helps You Actually Feel Your Best?!

So you say to yourself, “At least it’s a plant! How bad can it be then?”

Meanwhile, weed ALSO leaves you feeling the WORST.

You go from feeling on top of the world – bliss, joy, euphoria, childlike wonder, lots of genius ideas, the feeling that can you do and achieve anything, relaxation, pain relief, whatever you need, really!

… to the inevitable crash and burn.

Now you feel “zapped,” irritable, groggy, depleted, and all the things you turned to weed for are still right there waiting for you.

So, what do you do?

You try CBD, but it only makes you feel dull & muted– it’s just not the same.

You try taking breaks to see what life is like, but something always triggers you to use– whether it’s for fun and pleasure, for productivity and motivation, for pain management, or simply out of boredom.

So, you accept that you’ll probably just use weed forever, and you stay dedicated to fitting it into your life while expecting to somehow live your BEST life.

But that hasn’t ever happened… which is how you found yourself here.

I understand all of this because I was you.

Just a little over four years ago, I was using weed nearly everyday of my life, totally convinced that I’d never be without it.

Then I reached a point where I realized nothing in my life was truly getting any better and that I wanted MORE for myself.

It took some trial and error, but when I was finally ready to quit weed for good, it changed my life in the most unimaginable ways.

One minute I was getting high everyday to numb whatever needed numbing… and the next thing I knew, I was sober and living a whole new life in Hawaii. A total quantum leap.

Turns out, I had NO IDEA what feeling my best was really like while high. Weed gave me a glimmer, but being without gave me the whole universe!

And I KNOW that if you really want it, your REAL best life is just a quantum leap away for you, too.

– Malana

You Had Good Intentions with Weed: You Just Wanted to Feel Better. But Now You Can’t Stop, and You’re Afraid to Admit It. This Was My Story, Too.

Maybe it was PMS. Or a chronic illness. Or depression. Whatever it was, you just wanted the pain to stop, and weed was there to greet you. 

It was there to greet me, too. When I quit Big Pharma.

Before that - before I got addicted – weed was “just a party drug” or to help me sleep when I was too amped up on Adderall. Always around and used often. But I’d never taken it with the conscious intention to “feel better.”

Not until one fateful night that changed everything. 

I was withdrawing from prescription drugs - the Adderall and also birth control - and I was alternating between extreme irritability and just feeling plain dead inside.

It was suggested that I smoke a joint to take the edge off. So I did.

It was my first time smoking in my “new body“ - without any interference from synthetic hormones, or legal speed, or while mixing it with alcohol - and it felt different. 

I remember sitting on the couch that night in amazement, like, “Wow, this stuff REALLY works.” 

After that, I was almost never without weed for an entire decade. Even though weed would end up making me feel irritable and dead inside, too. 

But I couldn’t stop. 

And when I ran out and was desperate for a fix, I’d scrape the bottom of the bowl to take a hit of ashy resin.

Yet I refused to see myself as an addict.

I told myself that weed users were just stigmatized due to “the war on drugs.” That it was a “harmless plant” that “helped” everything from my creativity to a chronic pain disorder I’d been living with.

But the problem is that I wasn’t actually getting any better! My creativity wasn’t flourishing, my chronic pain continued to get worse, and everything else in my life just sort of flat-lined.

I thought I’d gotten off drugs when I quit prescriptions. Yet with weed, I still had no idea who I truly was or what my body felt like completely clean and clear. 

Until I was finally ready to get honest with myself and get off of it. THAT’S when I was able to heal why I felt I “needed” weed – needed any kind of drug – in the first place.

That’s when I was able to learn how to TRULY feel better and to THRIVE without weed.

– Malana 

Yes, Weed Addiction is Real! Let Me Tell You How I Know…

Actually, let me tell you how I know YOU.

You got high yet again after telling yourself you were gonna take a break, and you’re feeling anxious, paranoid, and like a ball of shame

Your eyes are red, your mouth is dry, and your brain feels zapped

After 20 minutes of art/yoga/goal-setting/whatever “productive” thing you started doing, you lost motivation, your mind started going in a million directions, and you found yourself lying in a heap scrolling on social media and browsing the internet– maybe even searching “Is weed addictive?”

I know all of this because this was me. I was you.

Except back when I used, I wouldn’t even entertain searching for proof that I was addicted, so if that’s how you landed here, you’ve already taken a quantum leap forward.

Because my denial was STRONG.

Despite feeling like shit, despite strong urges of wanting to quit, I’d always find a way to spin weed into something that was good for me.

Then in late 2020, after getting high almost everyday for 10 years while ignoring wakeup call after wakeup call, I was finally ready to start letting go of weed.

I could feel this wouldn’t be just another “break,” but that a break UP was on the horizon. Fast forward to around 90 days later, and…

I’d finally quit weed FOR GOOD

I’ve been 100% sober ever since and not a single craving for weed (or anything else) again!

I went from wanting it, “needing” it, and doing whatever it took to get high whenever & wherever I could… to NEVER thinking about it, AND my life radically changing for the better

I know this can be your reality, too.

Because yes, weed addiction IS 100% real. And no, you’re not crazy for wondering if it is or for wanting to stop.

What’s ACTUALLY crazy is that hardly anyone’s talking truth about weed, and that it’s become yet another trick to block women from their divine expression.

But I’m here to help change that.

I broke free of my addiction, have helped & inspired other women to do the same, and I’m ready to serve in a bigger way.

Check out Thrive Without Weed for more content & for support around breaking free of weed addiction.

– Malana

If You’re Using Weed Everyday, Read This.

I used to think weed was helping me with everything from my creativity, to my chronic pain, to my spiritual growth. Yet nothing in my life was ever TRULY getting better.

Not my career. Not my relationships. Not my health. Not my passion. Not my purpose. NOTHING.

After 10 years of almost daily use, I finally surrendered to the fact that I’d had it all wrong. I was even able to admit to myself that I knew this deep down all along– I'd just been so scared to let it go that I spent years finding ways to justify it!

And when I was ready, I was led to the exact support I needed that changed my life forever.

For me, it took around 12 weeks from when I set the intention to phase weed out of my life to when I completely quit and fully eradicated any and all desire to use. During that time, I went plant-based, started juicing, optimized my supplements, and began doing coffee enemas.

Once my body was detoxed and my mind was more clear, I was then more receptive to going deeper into my spiritual healing so I could get to the root of WHY I’d been using weed for 10 years straight in the first place.

Mind. Body. Spirit. All three were needed to fully eradicate my addiction (another thing I had to admit to myself), and I can honestly say that quitting weed was one of the best choices I've ever made.

I truly believe it would be for you, too, and that once you experience what it feels like to live inside a healthy body WITHOUT weed, you’ll never want to go back.

The best part is that you can heal whatever had you turning to weed in the first place! Whether you began using weed to treat PMS, PTSD, or even boredom and loneliness!

With the right knowledge and support, you can heal just about anything.

– Malana

(This post was originally published on my Instagram on August 18th, 2022.)

There Was Nothing I Used to Love More Than Smoking Weed

There was nothing I used to love more than smoking weed.

I loved the excitement I’d feel before I brought lips to joint. Or to bowl. Or to bong. 

The feeling of that first inhale as I’d close my eyes, let my head drop back, shoulders fall, and wait for everything to come into “focus.”

I loved smoking weed, walking to a restaurant, and writing. 

I loved smoking weed and taking a bath.

I loved smoking weed and cooking.

I loved smoking weed and [insert literally anything].

Except… I didn’t REALLY love smoking weed. 

I didn’t REALLY love that within 20-30 minutes, those fuzzy "feel-good" sensations would be replaced with brain fog and numbness.

I didn't REALLY love the paranoid feeling that someone could call or show up while I was stoned– like my landlords or their little kids!

I didn't REALLY love sneaking off to my car, hot-boxing bathrooms, and worrying about the strong, skunky scent.

And I REALLY didn't love spending time searching sooo fucking hard to find successful people who used weed so I could have a "model." Like, "Oh, look! See!? She does! He does! So, I can, too!"

Even better if they were "spiritual." Because soul growth is important to me. So I'd search for needles in the haystack to justify my habit even though I KNEW deep down that something was off.

It was just too... too much WORK with way too little reward to be worth all the effort!

But... I clung. Out of fear.

Fear of what my life would be like without weed. My security blanket. The only thing that was there for me when it felt like no one and nothing else was. One of the only things that could help me feel... well, anything. For a few minutes, at least... but man, did I LIVE for those few minutes.

Until finally, I got so damn sick of my own bullshit. So sick of lying to myself. So sick of hiding. And pretending.

And feeling so... ADDICTED.

So... I eased up, and I CLEANED up. From my mind, to my body, to my soul.

And the fog lifted.

And finally, I could face the trauma and the abuse I'd been running from for decades.

And I survived.

WITHOUT the weed.

When one day, I realized... "I'm sober! I'm free!"

And now? I can honestly say that today, I love MYSELF more than weed.

I love MYSELF more than anything.

Which is all I ever needed all along.

– Malana

4/13/25
This piece was originally published on my Instagram on August 23rd, 2022. I’d go on to do a live reading to a group of women who were also on a healing path– I’d later learn from someone that it was the catalyst for her and her husband quitting weed for good!