I Used to Love Getting High for the Holidays
I used to love getting high for the holidays.
I would smoke or have an edible, usually before the meal started. And I would just love that feeling of… that slow melt into your chair, and you know, everything tastes good, and you’re, like, half-there.
The sounds are all around you, people are talking, but you’re so immersed in your food, you don’t care, and you’re just… high. You’re off into the stars!
You don’t have to deal with bullshit, you just have a smile on your face, everything’s good, everything’s chill, but… not really.
Because I learned after I gave up getting high that I was numbing, and I was doing that because I didn’t like the situations that I was in. I didn’t like the people that I was around. I didn’t feel connected. I didn’t feel connected to myself!
And that’s what getting high allowed me to do. It allowed me to check out from my body and not pay attention to the signs of why I was getting high in the first place.
And honestly, the sober meals are so much better. Now that I gave them a chance. Now that I understand. It’s so worth it.
—
I gave up getting high, I gave up alcohol– the things I “needed” to make it through the holidays.
To not feel what my body was telling me about the people I was surrounding myself with.
To not see the glaring red flags.
To drown out and block out the flashbacks of abuse I was having.
My mouth would say “I love you” to everyone, and truly, that’s what I thought I felt. And definitely what I WANTED to feel.
And for some, I did feel affection. But more often than not, my body was like “I don’t like this. I don’t like this person. Or that person. Something is wrong. Very, very wrong.”
And that’s why I’d need to smoke and drink.
This time of year, most women are doing what I used to do: NUMBING.
But trust me when I tell you that getting sober and healing makes your holidays x1000 better… even if they end up looking totally different.
Because they’re full of PEACE!
And nothing feels better than that.
– Malana
