When Coming to Terms with a History of Abuse, the Best Gift You Can Give Yourself is the Time and Space to Heal in Peace

When coming to terms with a history of abuse, the best gift you can give yourself is the time and space to heal in peace. Your body’s been waiting for this moment to finally relax and release, and it’s normal to feel the need to retreat from the outside world. Don’t rush yourself.

Once you begin facing and healing from abuse, you’re stepping into one of the most sacred times of your life.

It’s a rebirth.

You’re welcoming your real self into the world– the woman you would have been if not for the abuse that impacted and altered every aspect of your life.

Pain does that– it sets us down a different path than love would have.

But now you’re healing, and you’re letting in all the love that you always deserved.

And part of this process means taking time to yourself to grieve, to reflect, to nourish yourself, to just BE. Your mind, body, and spirit desperately need it.

There’s no need to explain yourself to others either– you can simply let those closest to you know you’re working through something and will reach out when you’re ready.

Boundaries are important. This may even be the first time you’ve ever set any. So much to learn all at once!

That’s why it’s important to be patient and gentle with yourself.

If you need support taking care of yourself while healing from trauma and abuse, I can help you.

I’ve been where you are, and despite the pain I felt, I also look back at that time as being one of the most beautiful periods of my life.

I had the tools I needed to help myself through, and there’s more I know now that could have made the experience even better for myself.

I bring all of this to guide you through a healing journey that’s as peaceful as possible.

– Malana

The Journey of Healing from Sexual Abuse is a Journey to Loving Yourself

If you’re healing from sexual abuse, and you ever have moments where you forget WHY you’re willingly facing and feeling the pain of it all versus numbing and stuffing it down, just remember:

You’re on a journey to LOVING YOURSELF.

That’s what moving through every challenging moment is: a step towards love.

Because the pain, the shame, the shock, the grief, the anger– it can ALL clear out and disappear, and then your beautiful life can REALLY begin.

Healing is possible, and if doesn’t have to last forever.

So take comfort in knowing that, truly, there’s a rainbow waiting for you after the storm. 🌈

– Malana

Health Flare-Ups During the Holiday Season

For women with repressed memories of sexual abuse, it can be a reason why things like anxiety, pain flare-ups, intrusive thoughts and images, and substance use increase leading up to and during family gatherings.

This holiday season, pay close attention to your body.

Take note of who you’re around and where you are if you feel physical or emotional discomfort, and if you have thoughts you feel the urge to “push away.”

You don’t have to “do” anything with what you’re noticing right now.

You can revisit everything after the holidays when you have more time and space to yourself.

For now, just be willing to observe what comes up and how you FEEL.

The body never lies. And it’s trying to tell you something.

– Malana

If Abuse Ran in Your Family, the Holiday Season May Look & Feel Very Different, But…

If abuse ran in your family, and you’re now taking steps to heal, the holiday season may look and feel very different, but it doesn’t have to be joyless!

Maybe you were a victim of incest, and you’re no longer attending family gatherings.

Maybe you were in an abusive marriage, and you’re now divorced– maybe you lost your support network in the process.

Yet despite any discomfort you felt during the holidays compared to the peace you feel now, you may have still enjoyed the sense of togetherness, the laughter, the gift-giving, the meals– and you may be feeling an air of nostalgia for what once was, even after facing what lay below the surface.

This is normal, and it’s perfectly okay to acknowledge the good times you had. There’s no need to paint everything as painful if it’s not all that you experienced. Both can be true.

However, you now know that you can’t heal in those same spaces, around the very person or persons that harmed you, and the holidays look and feel totally different now. You might even be spending them solo for the first time in your life.

Yet even if you’re still grieving and processing, you can still make space for JOY!

This might not be the year you decorate a huge tree, or bake your heart out, or listen to Christmas songs– maybe it all feels forced, or you’re not sure if you even like all of the traditions you thought you did!

But try not to close yourself off to things you DO want and feel drawn to just because things are no longer the same.

Maybe this year it’s a premade dessert all to yourself. Maybe your tree is a few inches tall instead of a few feet. Maybe you skip your usual Christmas movies and go for a hike instead.

You now have a blank slate to create new memories and traditions in whatever way feels good for YOU, and they can change year to year as you and your circumstances change.

That’s called freedom, and it’s a beautiful thing!

– Malana

It’s Totally Normal Not to Cry Right After Facing Memories of Sexual Abuse

It’s totally normal not to cry right after facing memories of sexual abuse. Just make sure you aren’t running from your emotions and allow yourself the space to feel. The tears will come– that’s part of how you release the pain.

When I first began facing my history of childhood sexual abuse, I wasn’t shocked when I learned who’d been the first– but I still needed to grieve.

It didn’t happen right away, though.

A few days later, feeling numb and disconnected, I took some space to myself and played slow songs to help me tap into my heart.

When this one particular song hit, the floodgates opened, and I was finally able to cry for my little self.

It was as cathartic as it was painful. It was decades of hurt and fear that I never got to express to anyone who would listen, but now I finally could.

I created a lot of space over the coming weeks to just feel. I didn’t busy or hurry myself to move on and get over it.

Because for the first time in my life, I WANTED to feel everything. I wanted it all up and out– every last bit of it.

Giving myself this time to just FEEL was a vital step in my healing. And it will be in yours, too.

So, make space for your emotions.

There’s no need to force yourself to know and feel everything all at once– more details may come in waves over time. But as things come up, no matter how much it hurts, don’t shove it all back down– it’s coming up now for a reason.

Face it, take care of yourself, get the right support, and the pain WILL fade and be replaced with peace.

– Malana

Healing From Sexual Abuse Sets You on the Journey of a Lifetime

Healing from sexual abuse sets you on the journey of a lifetime. If your memories were repressed, it’s like being reborn and learning to navigate life as a whole new person. For me, everything was raw at first, but there was also a sense of peace knowing that my real life could finally begin.

I’ll never forget the moment I faced the answer to my biggest question:

“Who sexually abused me?”

I was sitting alone on my balcony, eyes closed, heart open– ready to receive.

And in the silence, I finally heard the truth my body had known all along.

“Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy.”

Then I went inside my closet, curled into a ball, and cried for my mother– just like I did when I was 6.

But she never heard me then, and she couldn’t hear me now.

When I talked it out with my support group, a feeling of peace washed over me.

“Now I can finally heal.”

The coming weeks were raw and painful. But there was also a lightness and a sense of wonder and optimism around how my new life would unfold.

I feel that’s the piece that’s often missing from women who’re facing – or have an inkling but are afraid to face – their abuse: the understanding around the point of it all. The big picture.

You’re not facing your deepest wounds so you can stay stuck and relive the trauma forever.

You’re facing your deepest wounds so you can set yourself free and become the woman you BORN to be.

– Malana

I Know What It’s Like to Have Issues Using Your Voice

I know what it’s like to have issues using your voice.

For me, it goes back to when I was 10-years old, and I went selectively mute for a summer.

I had memories of trauma come up, and I had no idea who to process them with, no one to talk to, and I just pretty much shut down. My voice shut down.

And that pretty much impacted me for the rest of my life.

I remember I went to go try out for chorus one year thinking I could just sign up and that would be it– free to sing with a group, just blend right in, and have my voice drowned out.

Yet when I realized I’d have to sing something right there in front of a stranger, some teacher I didn’t know, so I could get a spot, I immediately froze, and was like “Never mind!” and ran out of the room.

And it was like that all throughout adulthood.

I’d feel embarrassed talking loudly around certain people. I had a hard time projecting. I’d even get made fun of with the way that I pronounced certain things, the way that I pronounced my S’s.

It started to get a little better when I was older– in fact, I really enjoyed giving college presentations in the front of the room. And if I was pissed off or defending something or someone, watch out!

Yet if I had to go sit around the kitchen table with family and speak up about what was going on with my life? I could come across as meek, I felt embarrassed and awkward, and I needed wine or weed to “turn it up.”

As I approached my 30’s, I started thinking about taking singing lessons– there was that urge again. And I’d watch videos of women who spoke professionally for a living. I began dreaming of speaking to people, sharing some kind of message– of what? I didn’t know. But I knew in my bones that I needed to find a way to EXPRESS MYSELF.

Then in 2020, I began speaking out about things going on in the world – in writing and out loud – and I experienced my voice literally getting stronger and more balanced.

Which led to turning INWARD and facing what was going in with ME.

As I worked to heal my physical body and feel stronger and healthier there, I was better able to start handling and healing the emotional side– the trauma I’d experienced.

It was all interconnected. Being stronger and healthier in mind, body, and spirit is when things REALLY began to shift with my voice.

That’s when I found my message– what I wanted and needed to express were the things that has been so hard for me to say as a child.

I found mediums and platforms to express myself on, and my whole world started changing for the better.

Using my voice is literally what landed me in Hawaii!

Opening the floodgates of my voice helped open doors to unexpected opportunities in my life.

And it will for you, too.

– Malana

I Used to Love Getting High for the Holidays

I used to love getting high for the holidays.

I would smoke or have an edible, usually before the meal started. And I would just love that feeling of… that slow melt into your chair, and you know, everything tastes good, and you’re, like, half-there.

The sounds are all around you, people are talking, but you’re so immersed in your food, you don’t care, and you’re just… high. You’re off into the stars!

You don’t have to deal with bullshit, you just have a smile on your face, everything’s good, everything’s chill, but… not really.

Because I learned after I gave up getting high that I was numbing, and I was doing that because I didn’t like the situations that I was in. I didn’t like the people that I was around. I didn’t feel connected. I didn’t feel connected to myself!

And that’s what getting high allowed me to do. It allowed me to check out from my body and not pay attention to the signs of why I was getting high in the first place.

And honestly, the sober meals are so much better. Now that I gave them a chance. Now that I understand. It’s so worth it.

—

I gave up getting high, I gave up alcohol– the things I “needed” to make it through the holidays.

To not feel what my body was telling me about the people I was surrounding myself with.

To not see the glaring red flags.

To drown out and block out the flashbacks of abuse I was having.

My mouth would say “I love you” to everyone, and truly, that’s what I thought I felt. And definitely what I WANTED to feel.

And for some, I did feel affection. But more often than not, my body was like “I don’t like this. I don’t like this person. Or that person. Something is wrong. Very, very wrong.”

And that’s why I’d need to smoke and drink.

This time of year, most women are doing what I used to do: NUMBING.

But trust me when I tell you that getting sober and healing makes your holidays x1000 better… even if they end up looking totally different.

Because they’re full of PEACE!

And nothing feels better than that.

– Malana

The Amount of Fear You Feel Around Facing the Possibility of Sexual Abuse Doesn’t Even Compare to the Amount of JOY Waiting for You Once You Heal!

Never in a million years would I have thought that JOY could be equated with something as grisly as the topic of sexual abuse.

But yesterday, it really hit me.

I’d just walked to the beach and sat down, ready to continue with a fascinating book about repressed memories.

I had the sun on my face and the perfect song in my ears when I spotted a little girl with bright blonde hair– just like mine when I was her age.

She was running back and forth from the ocean to the sand, so wild, free, and full of LIFE and LIGHT, and all I could do was smile wide and close my eyes to let myself take it all in.

Tears started running down my face as I experienced wave after wave of deep emotion.

I felt so happy, so grateful, so PRESENT, and I thought “This moment exists because I faced my abuse. I got here, to this place, to this new life I’m building, to this JOY, because I faced my abuse, and I healed it.”

I also thought “I hope no one ever hurts that little girl. I hope no one already has.”

Because I know the statistics.

I know how widespread and underreported sexual abuse is.

I know it’s more likely that a person HAS been sexually abused than not.

I know how soul-shattering and life-destroying it is– how it dims that spark of light in everyone it touches.

And I know that getting to the other side is a MIRACLE.

For me, that looks like no more drug addiction, night terrors, sexual shame, abusive partners, chronic physical pain, or intrusive images and flashbacks.

I faced my fear of knowing the truth of my life, worked through the thick of it, and was met with a new lease on life– one I never thought possible for myself.

Sexual abuse. It’s the silent killer no one wants to talk about yet impacts all of us in some way, directly or indirectly.

If we did - if we all had the courage to face this ugly truth - the world would be full of A LOT more joy.

And if you have even the slightest inkling, I hope you do.

Because that’s when life can really begin– the beautiful, happy, peaceful one you’ve always wished for deep down.

– Malana

(The Book: Repressed Memories: A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse)

Do You Secretly Wonder if Weed is Holding You Back from Living Your Best Life? But Yet, Weed is the Thing That Helps You Actually Feel Your Best?!

So you say to yourself, “At least it’s a plant! How bad can it be then?”

Meanwhile, weed ALSO leaves you feeling the WORST.

You go from feeling on top of the world – bliss, joy, euphoria, childlike wonder, lots of genius ideas, the feeling that can you do and achieve anything, relaxation, pain relief, whatever you need, really!

… to the inevitable crash and burn.

Now you feel “zapped,” irritable, groggy, depleted, and all the things you turned to weed for are still right there waiting for you.

So, what do you do?

You try CBD, but it only makes you feel dull & muted– it’s just not the same.

You try taking breaks to see what life is like, but something always triggers you to use– whether it’s for fun and pleasure, for productivity and motivation, for pain management, or simply out of boredom.

So, you accept that you’ll probably just use weed forever, and you stay dedicated to fitting it into your life while expecting to somehow live your BEST life.

But that hasn’t ever happened… which is how you found yourself here.

I understand all of this because I was you.

Just a little over four years ago, I was using weed nearly everyday of my life, totally convinced that I’d never be without it.

Then I reached a point where I realized nothing in my life was truly getting any better and that I wanted MORE for myself.

It took some trial and error, but when I was finally ready to quit weed for good, it changed my life in the most unimaginable ways.

One minute I was getting high everyday to numb whatever needed numbing… and the next thing I knew, I was sober and living a whole new life in Hawaii. A total quantum leap.

Turns out, I had NO IDEA what feeling my best was really like while high. Weed gave me a glimmer, but being without gave me the whole universe!

And I KNOW that if you really want it, your REAL best life is just a quantum leap away for you, too.

– Malana

You Had Good Intentions with Weed: You Just Wanted to Feel Better. But Now You Can’t Stop, and You’re Afraid to Admit It. This Was My Story, Too.

Maybe it was PMS. Or a chronic illness. Or depression. Whatever it was, you just wanted the pain to stop, and weed was there to greet you. 

It was there to greet me, too. When I quit Big Pharma.

Before that - before I got addicted – weed was “just a party drug” or to help me sleep when I was too amped up on Adderall. Always around and used often. But I’d never taken it with the conscious intention to “feel better.”

Not until one fateful night that changed everything. 

I was withdrawing from prescription drugs - the Adderall and also birth control - and I was alternating between extreme irritability and just feeling plain dead inside.

It was suggested that I smoke a joint to take the edge off. So I did.

It was my first time smoking in my “new body“ - without any interference from synthetic hormones, or legal speed, or while mixing it with alcohol - and it felt different. 

I remember sitting on the couch that night in amazement, like, “Wow, this stuff REALLY works.” 

After that, I was almost never without weed for an entire decade. Even though weed would end up making me feel irritable and dead inside, too. 

But I couldn’t stop. 

And when I ran out and was desperate for a fix, I’d scrape the bottom of the bowl to take a hit of ashy resin.

Yet I refused to see myself as an addict.

I told myself that weed users were just stigmatized due to “the war on drugs.” That it was a “harmless plant” that “helped” everything from my creativity to a chronic pain disorder I’d been living with.

But the problem is that I wasn’t actually getting any better! My creativity wasn’t flourishing, my chronic pain continued to get worse, and everything else in my life just sort of flat-lined.

I thought I’d gotten off drugs when I quit prescriptions. Yet with weed, I still had no idea who I truly was or what my body felt like completely clean and clear. 

Until I was finally ready to get honest with myself and get off of it. THAT’S when I was able to heal why I felt I “needed” weed – needed any kind of drug – in the first place.

That’s when I was able to learn how to TRULY feel better and to THRIVE without weed.

– Malana 

Yes, Weed Addiction is Real! Let Me Tell You How I Know…

Actually, let me tell you how I know YOU.

You got high yet again after telling yourself you were gonna take a break, and you’re feeling anxious, paranoid, and like a ball of shame

Your eyes are red, your mouth is dry, and your brain feels zapped

After 20 minutes of art/yoga/goal-setting/whatever “productive” thing you started doing, you lost motivation, your mind started going in a million directions, and you found yourself lying in a heap scrolling on social media and browsing the internet– maybe even searching “Is weed addictive?”

I know all of this because this was me. I was you.

Except back when I used, I wouldn’t even entertain searching for proof that I was addicted, so if that’s how you landed here, you’ve already taken a quantum leap forward.

Because my denial was STRONG.

Despite feeling like shit, despite strong urges of wanting to quit, I’d always find a way to spin weed into something that was good for me.

Then in late 2020, after getting high almost everyday for 10 years while ignoring wakeup call after wakeup call, I was finally ready to start letting go of weed.

I could feel this wouldn’t be just another “break,” but that a break UP was on the horizon. Fast forward to around 90 days later, and…

I’d finally quit weed FOR GOOD

I’ve been 100% sober ever since and not a single craving for weed (or anything else) again!

I went from wanting it, “needing” it, and doing whatever it took to get high whenever & wherever I could… to NEVER thinking about it, AND my life radically changing for the better

I know this can be your reality, too.

Because yes, weed addiction IS 100% real. And no, you’re not crazy for wondering if it is or for wanting to stop.

What’s ACTUALLY crazy is that hardly anyone’s talking truth about weed, and that it’s become yet another trick to block women from their divine expression.

But I’m here to help change that.

I broke free of my addiction, have helped & inspired other women to do the same, and I’m ready to serve in a bigger way.

Check out Thrive Without Weed for more content & for support around breaking free of weed addiction.

– Malana

The Ripple Effect of Sharing Your Story

“That action you took had a ripple effect in my life, and I’m safer, and my children are safer because you chose to share what you shared.”

I received this message yesterday. She sent it to me through audio, and I could hear her actually say the words. And when I did, it was fully body chills and instant tears.

She shared why and how an article I chose to write this summer – an exposé about the actions of an extremely wicked person – created a positive ripple effect in her life.

It wasn’t an article I wanted to write. It was one I NEEDED to write. It was a story that set the record straight around a series of events that had harmed dozens of women and children.

And I knew if there was even the slightest chance that it could lead to something good, something that could help make things right in someone else’s life, then I needed to publish it.

It made every sweaty, itchy, cortisol-raising second of writing worth it.

Because not all stories feel like bliss to share.

Some stories are meant to help us shed and to experience life in the raw– to release our hardened layers and just BE. Vulnerable. Open. Human.

Some stories are meant to help us birth new versions of ourselves, someone totally new once we’ve reached the end– and it can take a lot of deep breathing, eyes-squeezed-tight, and “I don’t know if I can do this” along the way.

These kinds of stories may even require us to squeeze another woman’s hand tight as we share them.

I’ve had to do this.

I’ve only been able to share my story BECAUSE I’ve been able to squeeze the hands of other women as I go.

Women who’ve been willing to listen to my story. And to create safety for ME.

THAT’S the ripple effect.

Women lifting women up. Holding space for. Supporting. Helping each other gain strength and to build courage. And showing one another that, YES, our stories matter.

So when you feel the nudge to speak up and share, don’t ignore it. Find a way. A way that feels right to you. Because you never know who’s listening and who’s life you can change for the better– simply from sharing your story.

– Malana

(This post was originally published on my Instagram on October 10th, 2023.)

Sharing Your Story is an Act of Love Towards Yourself

Sharing your story is an act of love towards yourself.

It’s telling yourself “I matter. My voice matters. My experiences matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter.”

For me, beginning the process of healing my mind, body, and spirit was the biggest act of love I’d ever shown myself.

I quit weed. I replaced animal products with plants. I traded fluffy New Age spirituality for the teachings of Jesus. I faced my sexual abuse.

This was how I loved myself.

Then came sharing my story. No longer keeping my experiences trapped inside. And there’s still more.

But getting started, loving myself enough to let myself be seen and heard… it changed EVERYTHING.

And it showed me that sharing my story is an act of love towards others, too. It’s a way to be of service, to plant seeds, to share a message of hope, to spark awareness and action.

Which leads to more and more love in the world.

The power of the ripple effect.

Your story can do the same.

– Malana

(This post was originally published on my Instagram on October 9th, 2023.)

If You’re Using Weed Everyday, Read This.

I used to think weed was helping me with everything from my creativity, to my chronic pain, to my spiritual growth. Yet nothing in my life was ever TRULY getting better.

Not my career. Not my relationships. Not my health. Not my passion. Not my purpose. NOTHING.

After 10 years of almost daily use, I finally surrendered to the fact that I’d had it all wrong. I was even able to admit to myself that I knew this deep down all along– I'd just been so scared to let it go that I spent years finding ways to justify it!

And when I was ready, I was led to the exact support I needed that changed my life forever.

For me, it took around 12 weeks from when I set the intention to phase weed out of my life to when I completely quit and fully eradicated any and all desire to use. During that time, I went plant-based, started juicing, optimized my supplements, and began doing coffee enemas.

Once my body was detoxed and my mind was more clear, I was then more receptive to going deeper into my spiritual healing so I could get to the root of WHY I’d been using weed for 10 years straight in the first place.

Mind. Body. Spirit. All three were needed to fully eradicate my addiction (another thing I had to admit to myself), and I can honestly say that quitting weed was one of the best choices I've ever made.

I truly believe it would be for you, too, and that once you experience what it feels like to live inside a healthy body WITHOUT weed, you’ll never want to go back.

The best part is that you can heal whatever had you turning to weed in the first place! Whether you began using weed to treat PMS, PTSD, or even boredom and loneliness!

With the right knowledge and support, you can heal just about anything.

– Malana

(This post was originally published on my Instagram on August 18th, 2022.)

There Was Nothing I Used to Love More Than Smoking Weed

There was nothing I used to love more than smoking weed.

I loved the excitement I’d feel before I brought lips to joint. Or to bowl. Or to bong. 

The feeling of that first inhale as I’d close my eyes, let my head drop back, shoulders fall, and wait for everything to come into “focus.”

I loved smoking weed, walking to a restaurant, and writing. 

I loved smoking weed and taking a bath.

I loved smoking weed and cooking.

I loved smoking weed and [insert literally anything].

Except… I didn’t REALLY love smoking weed. 

I didn’t REALLY love that within 20-30 minutes, those fuzzy "feel-good" sensations would be replaced with brain fog and numbness.

I didn't REALLY love the paranoid feeling that someone could call or show up while I was stoned– like my landlords or their little kids!

I didn't REALLY love sneaking off to my car, hot-boxing bathrooms, and worrying about the strong, skunky scent.

And I REALLY didn't love spending time searching sooo fucking hard to find successful people who used weed so I could have a "model." Like, "Oh, look! See!? She does! He does! So, I can, too!"

Even better if they were "spiritual." Because soul growth is important to me. So I'd search for needles in the haystack to justify my habit even though I KNEW deep down that something was off.

It was just too... too much WORK with way too little reward to be worth all the effort!

But... I clung. Out of fear.

Fear of what my life would be like without weed. My security blanket. The only thing that was there for me when it felt like no one and nothing else was. One of the only things that could help me feel... well, anything. For a few minutes, at least... but man, did I LIVE for those few minutes.

Until finally, I got so damn sick of my own bullshit. So sick of lying to myself. So sick of hiding. And pretending.

And feeling so... ADDICTED.

So... I eased up, and I CLEANED up. From my mind, to my body, to my soul.

And the fog lifted.

And finally, I could face the trauma and the abuse I'd been running from for decades.

And I survived.

WITHOUT the weed.

When one day, I realized... "I'm sober! I'm free!"

And now? I can honestly say that today, I love MYSELF more than weed.

I love MYSELF more than anything.

Which is all I ever needed all along.

– Malana

4/13/25
This piece was originally published on my Instagram on August 23rd, 2022. I’d go on to do a live reading to a group of women who were also on a healing path– I’d later learn from someone that it was the catalyst for her and her husband quitting weed for good!

Child-On-Child Sexual Abuse: Can You Relate?

In our society, we often hear of sexual behavior between children referred to as “playing doctor,” and while there’s tons of literature that recognizes it for what it is – child-on-child abuse – there’s still many who’d prefer to view it as curiosity and innocent exploration.

It’s “easier” that way– no need to dig deeper and ask the question “But where did my child learn to do that?” or “How did I learn to do that?”

However, even if something is normalized, it doesn’t make it NORMAL.

Curiosity IS normal when it comes to a child wondering and asking about how their body works.

It’s NOT normal when they’re engaging in sexual acts. It had to of been learned in some way, shape, or form.

For me, I’d experienced sexual abuse from more than one adult and even from other children (who, of course, had to of learned it elsewhere), so given how rampant it was throughout my childhood, it's no surprise that I would then do the same, thinking that's just how kids played behind closed doors.

When I had the awareness that it was harmful while still very young, it brought me suffocating feelings of guilt and shame that I lived with for over 20 years. It wasn’t until I dove deep into healing my mind, body, and spirit from a lifetime of unrest that I was able to finally and fully let those feelings go and accept that, not only was none of it my fault, but that I was already doing the best thing I could possibly do: HEALING.

Through healing my body of the stress I'd been carrying for decades, the chronic pain that had manifested as a result, the drug addiction that had numbed me out, and through freeing myself of any toxic patterns that would cause me to fail to protect my own future children, I could finally BREAK THE CYCLE of abuse, pain, and suffering.

As a society, we need to be okay with calling child-on-child sexual “play” what it REALLY is: sexual abuse.

If we participated in this as children, it does NOT mean we should harbor feelings of guilt or shame. In fact, we need to do the work to release those feelings and to HEAL so we can live full, beautiful lives that allow us to better nurture and protect future generations.

– Malana

4/12/25
This post was originally published on Instagram after surveying my followers to see who else had experienced child-on-child sexual abuse, and I turned those responses into a reel. This topic was also part of a series of posts (1, 2, 3) that I'd published over the course of a few days. I was already connected to many women who were aware of and healing from their childhood trauma, so I received DOZENS of responses. I highly recommend taking a look at the original post and reading the series– it may unlock something in you that's been waiting to be set free. 

Many Children Act Out Abuse

Many children act out abuse they've experienced on other children, including sexual abuse, and I was no exception.

In my last post, I shared about waking up to a series of memories when I was 11-years old that led to me going mute.

These memories came rushing in like a tsunami. One minute I was sleeping peacefully, and the next minute, I was being tossed around, gasping for air, as memory after memory of sexual abuse crashed into my awareness.

When the rush had passed, I lay in a crumpled heap, stomach tight, heart pounding, smothered in suffocating shame and guilt, and the feeling of terror that I would now be going to Hell.

The memories were not only a fuzzy mass of audio and visuals of things that had been done to me, but were memories of things I had acted out on other children when I was younger, too. For me, that felt worse than anything.

There was one evening when the shame and guilt felt so thick, I found myself scrawling a suicide note in my journal, as tears streamed down my face. I remember I was wearing a pair of denim Rugrats overalls– the juxtaposition of that has always stood out to me: the act of choosing an outfit with my favorite children’s cartoon in the morning paired with the act of writing a suicide note by evening.

The lives of children who’ve experienced abuse are full of juxtapositions.

In our society, we often hear of sexual behavior between children referred to as “playing doctor,” and while there’s tons of literature that recognizes it for what it is – child-on-child abuse – there’s still many who’d prefer to view it as curiosity and innocent exploration. It’s “easier” that way– no need to dig deeper and ask the question “But where did my child learn to do that?” or “… how did I learn to do that?”

However, even if something is normalized, it doesn’t make it NORMAL. Curiosity IS normal when it comes to a child wondering and asking about how their body works. It’s NOT normal when they’re engaging in sexual acts. It had to of been learned.

For me, I’d experienced sexual abuse from more than one adult and even from other children (who had to of learned it elsewhere), so given how rampant it was throughout my childhood, it's no surprise that I would think that's just how kids played behind closed doors. Until I knew better.

It wasn’t until I dove deep into healing my mind, body, and spirit that I was able to finally and fully accept that, not only was none of it my fault, but that I was already doing the best thing I could possibly do: HEAL

Through healing my body of the stress I'd been carrying for decades, the drug addiction that had helped me to numb out, and through freeing myself of any toxic patterns that would cause me to fail to protect my own future children from abuse, I could finally BREAK THE CYCLE of pain and suffering.

And you can, too.

– Malana

4/12/25
This post was originally published on my Instagram on August 21st, 2022, and is the second post of a three-part series: 1, 2, 3.

Feeling Afraid to Speak Up

Feeling afraid to speak up about my experiences around childhood sexual abuse made it hard to speak up as an adult until I began to heal my body.

When I was 11-years old, I went mute.

It was the summer before sixth grade, and one morning, I woke up with memories of things I did not understand. Things that brought me deep shame and suffocating guilt.

And hard as I tried, I could not bring myself to speak. The worst of it lasted several months. A few words here and there. But not at all what I wanted to say. And no one urged me to talk.

It would take me over 20 years before I’d finally get the support I needed to not only make sense of my experiences around childhood sexual abuse, but the courage to even BEGIN to speak openly about it.

To get to that point, it took removing everything from my life that was keeping my voice locked up.

Things like…

The weed that would give me twenty minutes of manic euphoria before leaving me feeling scattered and fatigued.

The alcohol, the toxic food, and the lack of exercise that kept me numb, inflamed, and lethargic.

The families – the one I was born into and the one I married into – that were rife with dysfunction and addiction.

The marriage where I was reduced to an object and spent more time shouldering their burdens and battles while barely shouldering my own.

Because...

I wasn’t saying much if I was high.

I wasn’t saying much if I was drunk.

I wasn’t saying much if I was busy keeping the peace and trying to help others.

And I definitely wasn’t saying much if I was preoccupied with a man.

And deep down...

I never did like staying quiet. I never did like biting my tongue. I never did like making excuses for other peoples' behaviors. Including my own.

And I never did get fully used to the gnawing feeling in my gut that there HAD to be more to life than THIS. I wasn't supposed to live my life feeling so... so... BLOCKED... right!?

So when I finally decided to get real about how I was living my life, started taking better care of my body, and began learning how to be there for MYSELF in a way no one was when I needed it most, THAT’S when my voice began to emerge.

THAT'S when I could even BEGIN to have a chance at truly helping others.

It had to start with me.

And it has to start with you.

– Malana

4/12/25
This post was originally published on my Instagram on August 20th, 2022, and is the first post of a three-part series: 1, 2, 3. This post would go on to be repurposed and featured in a book titled Intuitive Writing: The Remedy for Writer's Block and the Secret to Authentic Communication authored by Jacqueline Fisch. We discussed the story during a 24-minute writer's chat that you can listen to here. 

The Most Sane Choice I Made All Year

The most sane choice I made all year was choosing MYSELF.

Earlier this year, I found myself living alone for the first time in my life, in a still new-to-me location, in a barely-furnished apartment, without a car or a stable income, a divorce on the horizon, a pile of grief to wade through, and an overwhelming number of decisions to make… all while experiencing bullying, harassment, and betrayal.

It was a lot, and I was wholly unprepared for it.

Prior to all of this, I’d spent a year making really GOOD decisions for myself– eating cleaner and detoxing my body, detaching from abusive and misaligned relationships, healing from chronic pain and a 10-year addiction to weed brought on by repressed childhood trauma… I’d even moved to a new state and had plans to start a new career. Life was on the up and up!

However, there was one final piece that needed to go, and that was my marriage.

I'd realized it was on thin ice a year prior to “the collapse” after my rose-colored glasses started to slip, and I began recognizing signs of narcissism:

The Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde behavior, the history of bullying and intimidation, the disinterest and lack of emotion I experienced from them unless they wanted something, the exhaustion I felt from their mood swings, how charming and "helpful" they appeared to others, yet how empty and lonely things felt behind closed doors… to name a few.

(I didn't yet know that my marriage closely mirrored the narcissistic parenting I grew up with, though I would learn this in time.)

BUT I chose to give things another chance. And for a little while, they did make palpable, positive change in their lives. I had high hopes.

Though it didn't last, and the hope I was hanging onto began to fray.

Not feeling ready to let go and accept reality, I once again found myself putting my needs last, making excuses, allowing myself to be gaslit and manipulated, and making poor decisions.

Still healing and still vulnerable from a year of major life changes, I put too much trust in someone to have my back when what I really needed to do was have my own.

Until finally, there were no moves left to make, and it was time to make THE choice:

Them? Or Me?

I chose myself.

The most sane choice I'd made all year.

– Malana

4/12/25
This post was originally published on my Instagram on August 6th, 2022 as I processed the narcissistic abuse I'd experienced in my marriage and post-separation. Beginning to share my story publicly would lead to speaking on my spiritual teacher Liana Shanti's podcast about my experience, with more writing and speaking to come from there. I eventually healed from the anger and betrayal I felt during that time and came to fully understand how trauma in childhood can lead to abusive relationships and disempowering choices in adulthood.